F’d in the A: why the Costa decision is damned regardless

Today, Britain woke up to the earth shattering news that Diego Costa has been banned for three matches concerning two incidents in the Capital One Cup semi-final.

Costa’s always been the type of striker who relishes confrontation; the kind of footballer who sees every pitch he steps on as a grassy Omaha Beach, looking to leave bodies in his wake as he spearheads the attack.

In one sense, this is quite endearing: the battle weathered soldier who will fight tooth and nail for something as insignificant as three points for a football club.

In another, it makes him stand out  because the majority of football fans think he’s a thug. And they’re probably not wrong.

But irrespective of whether he was banned or not, the decision leads to a number of conclusions that only muddies the waters further in terms of the freefalling reputation of English football’s governing body and the referees they have in their employment.

1) That the FA constantly look to protect their referees from criticism even if they’re entirely in the wrong, and their method of doing this is by fining those that speak out.

2) That the same FA constantly undermine their referees by making decisions for them post-game, under the rationale that the official didn’t see it so therefore it has to be dealt with in the aftermath.

3) That, because the referee admits he hasn’t seen an incident, one wonders – in the case of incidents like Costa’s vs Can/Skrtel – quite where he was looking in the first place. Was his vision obscured? Were both of his linesmen? Was the fourth official’s?

4) That – in one game – the referee was seen to have dealt with Costa’s confrontation with Gerrard and the entirety of Merseyside, Henderson and Lucas’ lucky escapes, as well as Skrtel’s challenge on Costa, and that the FA has decided to uphold the integrity of the referee by refusing to change or overturn decisions. This is the real stickler here: when there is a rulebook of how to punish fouls, should referees be able to judge the game by their own personal interpretation? If so, why is Henderson avoiding a second yellow? Why are past challenges like Sergio Aguero’s near penetration of David Luiz’s dirtbox deemed over and done with because the referee has seen it and failed to adhere to the rules properly? Have the FA only decided to focus on one incident at a time, and ignored Jan Vertonghen’s actions in the other cup tie – in which he grabbed another player by the neck – because it was deemed too tame despite being against the rules? Did the referee and all his staff miss that one too, or was it poorly dealt with again?

5) That the consistency of the decision making – such as Costa’s vs Aguero’s – comes down to whether the referee has seen it, and if he’s made a correct decision, and if the FA are willing to undermine their referee’s authority or not, etcetera etcetera. You get the gist.

6) That every single person watching television at home and Vines on their phone are better placed to make correct decisions than the man being paid to make them. This is a long term problem, endemic of football as a whole; just this past fortnight there’s been the complete failure on four match day officials to notice Jan Vertonghen was numerous feet into his own half when receiving the ball, and the complete failure of the same amount of officials to chalk down a goal that clearly crossed the line in Palermo’s match against Sampdoria. This is not just an indictment of the referees, terrible as they’ve been this season in particular, but the system which offers them no help whatsoever in avoiding vilification.

Should Costa have been banned? Yes, he should be. In that regard, The FA have made the right decision. But they uphold a system in which said right decision is loaded with ramifications, because of their very many numerous poor decisions in the past.

There Can Be Only One: Why Do We Care Whether Ronaldo Or Messi Are Better?

Rare photo of Ronaldo standing without resorting to tip toes. Rare photo of Messi standing without hiding tax bills in his arse.

In Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix, Dumbledore shows Harry a prophecy that goes a little bit like this:

“The Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not… and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives… the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…”

As Harry comes to the realisation that the prophecy is about himself, Dumbledore tells him that “(it) could have applied to two wizard boys, both born at the end of July that year, both of whom had parents in the Order of the Phoenix, both sets of parents having narrowly escaped Voldemort three times. One, of course, was you. The other was Neville Longbottom.”

HOLY FUCK

Neville. Sweet, chubby little Neville with the mental nan and the toad called Trevor, could have been the hero, if not for Voldemort choosing Harry on a whim. We could all have lived in a world where Neville Longbottom & The Sandwich Of Farts was a best seller, where Potterfanatics became Bottom Bandits, where kids up and down the country were gaining weight and buying frogs and adopting a Yorkshire accent.

But as the story turned out, there could be only one. Voldemort made his choice, and Harry ended up being the one with the glasses and the shit hair and the ginger mate and – no wait, that wasn’t a result of that.

Anyway, logic dictated that there was one person in the prophecy, only one that could stop Voldemort. There couldn’t be two equally as important, equally powerful young wizards who were there to stop the Dark Lord in his tracks.

Why couldn’t there have been?

Similarly, the feud between fans of Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi boils down to the fact that there must be only one. Only one can be the best in the world, the undisputed GOAT of GOATs, the top goalscorer in the Champions League, La Liga, Ballon d’Or winner… the list goes on. This process is replicated in every department of the entertainment business, and beyond. Best Picture at the Oscars. Employee of the Month at McDonald’s. Your mother’s favourite child.

It’s only natural that we tend to crown an individual’s achievements above all others, because that’s the method in which entire civilisations have been founded; on one person, who has become king or president or leader of the revolution.

But in a sport where constant argument rages on over whether the best is Pele or Maradona, it’s safer than most to assume that there never will be one prevailing winner in said debate. Ask a third of football fans, they’ll say the former. Ask another third, they’ll say the latter. Ask another third, they’ll probably say Nicklas Bendtner because they think that it’s fucking hilarious and not a waste of my time when I’m actually doing research for a very important blog post you bastards.

So why do we have to crown a winner now? Why do we have endless articles week after week asking if Messi’s aesthetics are better than Ronaldo’s sheer power, if the diminutive Argentine has declined while the strapping Portuguese’s game has only gone from strength to strength, whether one is currently head and shoulders (but what sensational shoulders he has) above the other?

Why do so many care?

The fact is that there is two people on this planet currently far far better than everyone else at the thing they have chosen to do. There isn’t many fields where you can say that. Tennis in the early 2000s, when Roger Federer would turn up, and with a flick of his wrist as delicate as a flower masturbating, would demolish the entire competition. EastEnders in the same time period, Shane Ritchie breathing life into an ailing show. My nan at farting. She’s just great at it. Sublime.

Messi and Ronaldo are the same. As good as Luis Suarez is, as talented as Zlatan Ibrahimovic or Sergio Aguero or their fellow Ballon d’Or nominee Manuel Neuer may be, they just aren’t as good as Messi and Ronaldo. This is a fact.

What isn’t a fact is whether one is better than the other. For years, people said Messi. For the last couple of them, people have said Ronaldo. I say they’re both extraordinary players, two of the very best in the entire history of the game, and trying to decide who is better is like trying to decide what sex act you like more, or whether a roast or a fry up is better, or if Transformers 2 is worse than Transformers 3. It’s a fruitless, pointless, inconsequential act that leads to thousands of gorms linking millions of videos and links, and inevitably ends up with everyone concluding that they’re both quite good aren’t they.

Which they are. They really are both quite good. In the same way that Neville turned out alright in the end, and far better looking than Harry if not quite as good at producing magic, Ronaldo follows Messi. Fuck the prophecy.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF WAYNE ROONEY

And the guy behind him has better hair. Photograph: Michael Mayhew/Sportsphoto Ltd/Allstar

It’s hard to approach the subject of Wayne Rooney – England and Manchester United captain, likely to be the top scorer for both nation and club by the time he retires – with anything other than partisanship, whether you’re a fan of the teams he plays for or not.

For years now, he’s either been the only world class player England have, a driving force in Manchester United’s unquenchable thirst for success, and now one of the elder statesmen in a team that is in transition, providing the cutting touches of quality each week to ensure United still challenge at the top table.

Or he’s been a colossal disappointment in the eyes of those that revered and adored him, padding his stats every week with set piece goals and assists while playing so poorly he’s a detriment to the team around him. Getting into on and off field controversies, threatening to leave the club for two of their biggest domestic rivals twice and near enough being handed the keys to the city, Ed Woodward’s car and the retirement home of Chris Smalling’s nan.

It’s difficult for me personally to put into words how I feel about Rooney. I remember his debut so vividly; sitting down as an eleven year old still haunted by the Euros and watching him plunder in a hat trick. I remember him lobbing Mark Schwarzer from 30 odd yards and leaping off the sofa, spilling my Frijj everywhere. I remember him kicking Ricardo Carvalho in the bollocks and blaming the entire incident on Cristiano Ronaldo. I remember that goal against Newcastle. The penalty against Arsenal. The brilliant displays alongside Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez. The 2009/10 season, where he was arguably the best centre forward in Europe.

Unfortunately, I remember the last few years far clearer than the ones preceding it. And while I’ve grown outwards and upwards and Rooney’s hair seems to have grown inwards, my admiration for the player has only shrunk. It’s not just that he wanted to leave, nor who he wanted to leave for. It isn’t only that he escapes criticism in the media nearly every week (see Alan Shearer in The Sun this weekend, arguing that he’s been United’s only decent player this season despite being outperformed in every match so far), or that from the outside looking in his performances have looked perfectly adequate because he has a knack of being in the right place at the right time, scoring goals and providing assists that colour poor performances favourably. It isn’t all down to the number of listless performances over the last two seasons while he’s been given pay rises, the captaincy and a permanent place in the squad irrespective of performances. And it isn’t just the fact that he keeps elbowing and kicking people while preaching he’s matured.

When you take all of them into account however, it paints an absolutely sour picture of a player I used to idolise.

Perhaps that just points to the fickle nature of football; “he scores a hat trick against City next week and you’ll love him again”, I’ve heard a few say. But honestly, when he scores I just wish it was someone else putting it in. It genuinely pains me that he’s going to go down in history as our top scorer instead of Bobby Charlton, a man who lives and breathes United and has done for almost his entire life. Rooney, you get the impression, lives and breathes United through an artificial oxygen supply, using it only when necessary in order to survive.

On a weekend where he’s kicked out at a player that he may well have caught up with and taken the ball off legitimately two or three years ago (and let’s not pretend it was a speed demon he hacked down, it was Stewart Downing), the emphasis has been on the ten year anniversary of his debut with Manchester United. Whether or not Wayne Rooney’s career with the club ends as brightly as it began, at least we had those first few years. Where everything seemed possible, where he became a talisman for club and country, where the notion of him becoming an all time great player, our top scorer and a legend wasn’t one that made you sigh in resignation. At least he isn’t Ashley Young.

OCTOPUS’ GARDEN: OUR WORLD CUP 2014 PREDICTIONS

 

Let’s get right into the swing of things, shall we?

Brazil will win.

The only way they don’t is if the crippling pressure of being favourites in their home country is too much, or they all develop fucking anaemia like their star player.

Their most likely opponent in the final will come from Spain or Argentina, with Germany not looking the sure bet they once did due to Marco Reus’ injury, a lack of strikers,and Joachim Löw’s insistence on playing silly bollocks with his decisions. Expect Brazil to have too much on the counter attack for a poorer Spain than four years ago, and too much coming forward for the might of Ezequiel Garay and Federico Fernandez in the Argentina back four.

Breaking it down group by group, Brazil should comfortably win A. Croatia are more than capable of giving them a game in the opening match of the tournament, but their lack of a cutting edge – despite sometimes playing three strikers at a time, they’re surprisingly goalshy – could count against them if Mexico revert to good old entertaining Mexico and not the Mexico of annus horribilis 2013/14. Cameroon are the weakest of the African teams, and they’ve got that bellend Alex Song, so no thanks.

Group B is primed for Chile to take advantage of the first game between Spain and Holland, and give them a proper go of proving themselves the real dark horses and not those Belgians. Holland are a team made up of two world class players, the eternally overrated Wesley Sneijder, effective thug Nigel De Jong, and a few talented youngsters. Louis van Gaal is their big trump card, potentially; if they are to get through the group, it’ll be because of effective tactical decisions.

On paper, Group C is notable for both its lack of any obvious heavy hitters and because its the most open of all eight; I wouldn’t be surprised if any of the four made it, but if I was a betting man (and I’m not because I put two quid on once and won 128 quid and then squandered the entire 128 quid making two quid bets for fuck’s sake), I’d go for Colombia’s attacking prowess to prove stronger than the rest – even with Falcao out, there’s potential for Bacca or Martinez to be better at providing the likes of James and Cuadrado with chances – , and for Greece to stay tight and pick up enough points to qualify. Japan are a lovely team to watch but are lightweight and vulnerable in defence, and Ivory Coast’s time has come and gone; they were at their strongest when saddled with tougher groups, but aside from Yaya Toure, a resurgent Gervinho and an aging Drogba (who will probably keep a better choice, Wilfried Bony, on the bench), they’re not the strongest of sides.

Group D is also a real crapshoot; there’s three strong sides, and one that is entirely capable of upsetting the apple cart and frustrating their opponents. Uruguay, despite their incredible strikers and advantageous conditions, aren’t a top side in terms of personnel, and much will depend on the aforementioned attackers and Tabarez’s organisational skills if they are going to go through. Italy and England are both capable of surprising and going further than a lot of people would expect – especially England, where I think Hodgson is unfairly maligned sometimes in terms of tactical decisions, if not because he does actually look like a fucking petrified barn owl – , but both will need to take the onus against each other and Costa Rica. If either team can win both those games, the Uruguay match will most likely be a shoot out for first in the group.

Group E has another of the tournament’s dark horses, Switzerland. With one of the best coaches in the competition and a relatively favourable draw, I could easily see them making it to the quarter finals if they top the group. They should qualify alongside a France side who are criminally underrated, and I can only imagine it’s because of past failures as opposed to a real judgement of their squad. Ecuador and Honduras are both sides who are used to the climate and will be tough to beat, but ultimately they lack the quality (step up Antonio Valencia you fucking SHITHOUSE) to qualify.

Argentina will win Group F at a canter; they’re just much better sides than the other three. Higuain, Messi and Aguero have real chances to stake claims for the golden boot in the three matches. Bosnia and Nigeria will most likely be fighting to be runners up, and I can imagine a scenario where they and Iran sacrifice their chances against Argentina in a three way fight. Iran will finish bottom, but defend well and frustrate. Nigeria are an exciting and energetic side, but without a stand out player the way that Bosnia do in both Pjanic and Dzeko, so I plump for the newcomers here.

Group G is a far more interesting prospect now than it was a few months ago; Germany haven’t got the air of invincibility that many have afforded them, and they need to make sure that their lack of striking options doesn’t result in a lack of cutting edge that Portugal absolutely will have. Thankfully, the USA’s striker is Jozy Altidore, so Germany should be absolutely fucking fine. Ghana are the big ifs here; they’re certainly capable of upsetting the apple cart and taking a result from any of the games, but might just fall short.

Like Group C, Group H benefits from a bit of unpredictability; Belgium have the strongest squad, but their lack of full back options could see them either too blunt in attack or too inflexible in defence. They should still go through, but will face tough opposition from a stoic Russian side, an underrated Algerian team and an unpredictable South Korean squad. Either of those three could follow Belgium out, but I’ll put my money on the Africans, because I don’t know very much about the Koreans and fuck Capello.

From there, there’s a fair few intriguing draws. Brazil – Chile is an relatively easy one on paper, but if there’s a team that they’ll be ruing qualifying from Group B its their South American rivals. Spain – Croatia is a match up between two technically proficient teams, but Croatia will have control of the match taken away from them, and they don’t have the counter attacking skills to make up for it. Colombia – England is a difficult one to call; the Europeans have the better all around squad, and it’ll probably be seen as an upset if they do lose to Colombia (I’m not sure why; ignorant British media I suppose), but Colombia have a great attack. Tough one to call; I’ll go with my heart and Woy’s Boys. Italy – Greece would probably be the easiest of the second round ties to call, with the Italians just as robust in defence as the Euro 2004 winners but far more potent in attack.

France – Bosnia is a match up between two strong attacking sides, but the French midfield should prove too much for the World Cup rookies to handle, even if Dzeko is totally capable of making Laurent Koscielny shit his kidneys out in fear. Argentina should find themselves far more frustrated by an organised Swiss side than in the group stages, but attacking quality should win out in the end (or at least we all hope so and it isn’t a snoozefest like the last World Cup). Portugal are handily stronger than Algeria in a few key positions, but they’ll get a scare from the entertaining Africans. And Germany will beat Belgium because they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.

In the quarterfinals, England will battle valiantly but lose 2-1 to Brazil and they’ll come home as heroes and we’ll all fucking talk about that time Jordan Henderson nutmegged Dani Alves until we all get pneumonia and DIE. Spain – Italy is an intriguing contest, and should be far closer than their Euro 2012 final proved to be. A very tough one to call if both are on top of their game, but I’m expecting Balotelli to bottle a few chances and the Spaniards to take theirs. France are a better side than Portugal, but Portugal have the world’s best player (at the moment, fuck off Barca fans). Another tough one to call, but I’d plump for the midfield of France to be crucial again in overcoming the Iberians. Argentina – Germany has the potential to be an extraordinarily exciting tie; Sabella will have learned from the mistakes of Maradona at 2010, and they should have far more of a cutting edge than Germany. But they also have a far, FAR weaker defence. Expect lots of goals. And… I’ll plump for Argentina by a CUNT HAIR.

A Brazil – France semi final should go the way of the hosts, with their opposition delighted to have got so far and equally as delighted not to have their best player embroiled in a scandal for touching children, and equally as delighted that they don’t have to stare at the face of Samir Nasri all day lest they all want to punch the nearest fucking window. Argentina – Spain is a tougher one to call; will Argentina’s frail defence be able to hold out long enough against the tiki taka torture fest of twattery, and will they be efficient enough on the counter attack to make the most of the chances they do get? I say yes.

And then its a Brazil – Argentina final. A better keeper, defence and midfield make the hosts favourites, but imagine the pressure. Imagine. It’s the 117th minute. 2-2. Neymar steps up for a free kick on the edge of the box. Just imagine the sweat dripping off his beautiful forehead. Pick a winner.

WE’RE BACK

University is over. I have looked into the abyss of what lies ahead; a career, a family, children, crippling debt, lumps in my balls, tears of relief when the doctor just tells me my balls are getting bigger, tears of sorrow when he says that it might just be that my penis is getting smaller.

So I’m putting that off. I’m going to write about football again. With the World Cup around the corner, what better time to start doing it? A feature concerning the twenty five best (read: my favourites, expect lots of Welbeck) players at the tournament will be up in the next few days, as well as analysis and predictions that are inevitably going to be wrong. And then, before you know it, it’ll be pre-season again. Looking forward to it.

SOUTHAMPTON: (OR, ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING’)

by KP – @ThreeSixTee

 

We all make mistakes. Jack Walker opting for Tim Sherwood over Zinedine Zidane, Terry Venables letting Gareth Southgate take a penalty and of course whoever gave Ashley Young a laptop. What separates us from the animals (and Gareth Southgate) is the ability to admit our mistakes and learn from them. On the 18 of January 2013, I made a mistake…

My particular mistake was that of doubting Southampton’s decision to part ways with back-to-back promotion achieving gaffer and all around good guy Nigel Adkins and appoint Mauricio Pochettino, or Pocketino/Pinochio/Pinot Grigio all of which I heard around the city days after his appointment. Okay, maybe not the last one. My mistake wasn’t one of isolation, Southampton fans on an almost unanimous basis were shocked, gutted and appalled at what looked like a cold hearted ruthless decision from notoriously no nonsense Italian chairman and mafiosa consigliere look-a-like Nicola Cortese. While our fans took to internet forums and football phone ins hosted by dogging wife beaters, Cortese stood firm on his decision and backed his new man to take Saints to the next level.

Thanks to the wonderful invention called the internet, I had learned everything I ever needed to know about Pochettino 2 hours after his appointment. What had possessed Cortese to decide the man to take the club to the next level was a man who’s only management role had ended in the unceremonious and obviously never mutual “mutual termination” with his Espanyol side rooted to the bottom of La Liga. Many fans speculated, was Pochettino just a mouth piece for Cortese, the proverbial ‘yes man’ ready to pick the starting XI to suit the chairman? Many other theories developed ranging from the desire to have a manager more likely to attract bigger name players to Cortese having a particular displeasure for scousers. The true reason however was revealed to the footballing world 5 days later when Southampton hosted Everton at St.Mary’s stadium, pre-match rumours of a potential white hanky protest were proven false as the crowd largely got behind the Argentine. Southampton were fantastic in the first half, Pochettino’s footballing ideas were clearly identifiable for everyone to see, perhaps more impressive was how he managed to drill his ideas into the squad after just a few training sessions, a compliment to the professionalism of the playing staff as well as Pochettino’s managerial ability.

As I write, Southampton sit 6th place in the Premier League, above Manchester United and a point off 2nd. The club, the players and Pochettino have been receiving rave reviews the past few weeks form the usually big club bias national media. Nigel Adkins most recently took his Reading team to Sheffield Wednesday in the SkyBet Championship and lost 5-2. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, perhaps the future will look back less kindly on Adkins, after all, most of the team playing under Pochettino also featured for Adkins in his ill fated Premier League run. Many even question Adkins achievements of back-to-back promotions, a large core of the squad was at the club when Saints finished runners up in League 1. Jose Fonte, Rickie Lambert, Morgan Schneiderlin and Adam Lallana all key players in the promotion winning team, is it really a massive achievement coming 2nd in a 3rd tier league tier league with so many top flight calibre players? Perhaps a blog for another time.

Since January 18th, I’ve been forced to eat a lot of humble pie and it’s never tasted so fucking good.

SUNDERLAND: THE MOST DEPRESSING BLOG YOU’LL EVER READ

by JJ – @hixxsafc

 

A long summer with 14 players brought in led to excitement on Wearside. With the home opener against Fulham on the horizon Sunderland had added youth, athleticism and a bit of foreign class to go along with some names unpronouncable to most inhabitants of County Durham and Wearside. Paolo Di Canio said his summer bootcamp would have the squad fit like never before ready for any challenges the league could throw at them.

The beautiful first Saturday, where anything can happen. At home to Fulham, a team who are meek away from Craven Cottage, which always amuses me when you consider the name given to their home ground. The team display a new brand of football on Wearside with recent arrivals Valentin Roberge and Cabral stand out performers in a dominant performance yet with only a few chances created. Chances missed that they would come to rue. Shortly into the second half a theme that would be crucial to Sunderland’s early-season downfall would become apparent. Fulham’s first attack, 10 minutes into the second half, wins them a corner. It’s swung into the back post and Kasami, on his return to Fulham’s team, nods in under a weak aerial challenge from Roberge. Sunderland push back and again dominate every statistic you could want apart from the most important: goals scored. A loss against a typically homesick Fulham team is not what Paolo’s ‘revolution’ needed but it was not a disaster of a performance.

At the time there was no sign of the group needing to gel. Just more composure in front of goal was needed, the overall performance was of a high quality and there was a real sense of optimism still around the club. Attacking, possession based football was a god send after O’Neill’s ultra-defensive methodology. A trip to St. Mary’s was up next and the contrast in peformance and ideals was startling.

Similar to the Fulham game, the away team scored from their only real memorable attack. Again from a corner, this time it was Giaccherini who put the 2,000-strong Sunderland contingent into raptures but that was all they would have to cheer about this weekend. 80 minutes of siege followed yet Sunderland’s defence stood firm. With only minutes of a rather turgid match left, O’Shea concedes a soft freekick on the edge of the box. A set piece. Whipped in, headed in… heads down. With Southampton making a superb start to their season, a point from St. Mary’s is a good result but to lose two points so late had an effect on the squad that would leave a hangover into their next game.

What should have been a simple victory over a League 1 team to progress in the League Cup so very nearly turned into a nightmare and was the beginning of the end for Di Canio at Sunderland. A pathetic defensive performance, a hallmark of Sunderland’s season, let MK Dons get to a 0-2 lead at the Stadium of Light until the latter moments of the game when Connor Wickham was brought on, a moment which spurred the team on similar to the year before when being beat 2-0 away to Bolton in the same tournament. Sunderland ended up winning 4-2 with all four of those goals coming in the last 15 minutes but everyone knew the result hugely flattered the team and naturally, doubt began to seep into the fans but also noticably the squad. It’s not fair to say doubt entered Di Canio’s mind but clearly this is where the red mist began to descend and it would not recede.

A trip to Crystal Palace was next on the agenda, a team with no wins and already written off as relegation certainties by everyone. It ended in disaster. Palace took an early lead through a corner; the third time Sunderland had conceded from a set-piece in as many games. The game opened up dramatically straight after, becoming end to end with Palace using the pace of Gayle to great effect. The game was also a return to the team for highly-rated youngster Ji Dong-won who inexplicably ducked out of a free header in the 6 yard box. It is fair to say Di Canio was not impressed and this led to him being replaced by another returnee to the team, Steven Fletcher who had an almost immediate impact heading home his first of the season. Another defensive calamity from John O’Shea rewarded Palace with a cheap penalty and saw O’Shea sent off. The game was over from that moment.

Three games, one point and a first embarrassment of the season. Di Canio began to openly criticise his players, a mistake he never recovered from. The media’s reaction to his criticism of O’Shea and also O’Shea’s reaction in the media was odd. How dare Paolo Di Canio criticise John ‘I can’t believe he’s got a Champions League winner’s medal’ O’Shea? And so the tides turned back to the players having all the power in the Sunderland dressing room. Whispers of transfer requests and players mulling over whether to outright refuse to ever play for Sunderland under Di Canio began to surface.

Arsenal presented the next challenge for Sunderland at the Stadium of Light. A more sensible approach was taken by Di Canio with the midfield deeper to try to strangle Arsenal’s in form midfield. Giaccherini and Johnson swapped wings, presumably for the former’s work rate to try and nullify the threat Kieran Gibbs posed. Sunderland did not deserve to lose this game yet the history books will say they conceded 3 more goals. Mesut Ozil and Theo Walcott ran wild in the first half, the former getting a debut assist. Sunderland kept their heads above water and early in the second half won a penalty which specialist Craig Gardner put away with ease. Sunderland were now on top and had a goal disallowed before hitting the post. With Arsenal’s first real threat of the second half, Ramsey slammed a volley in from the edge of the box. The game still was not over though as a disgraceful refereeing decision led Sunderland to another disallowed goal. The ball was put through for Jozy Altidore and Sagna tried to wrestle him to the floor but Jozy was too strong and made Sagna look like a little boy as he shrugged him off. One on one with the keeper, the referee blows his whistle for a free kick just as Altidore is rolling the ball past the keeper into the goal. Surely he would only do this to send Sagna off for being last man? No. Sunderland should have been level and deservedly so. Heads dropped, the game was just not going to be theirs. Ramsey added a sweet third to add polish to the scoreline for Arsenal. Di Canio’s sideshow took an interesting turn as he ‘asked’ the referee to send him off and he duly obliged. That sinking feeling returned to the stomachs of Sunderland fans everywhere.

A week later Sunderland went on a merry trip to the Hawthorns to visit old fan-favourite Stephane Sessegnon. He scored the first in another game where the goals against column would read 3. Sunderland also had to play a large chunk of the game with 10 men as Steven Fletcher dislocated his shoulder after Di Canio had made his 3 substitutes. He dislocated his shoulder while missing a sitter, if that makes it any funnier? No? How about Di Canio’s circus finally coming to an end after he asked the once-again massive away support if he should go? It just adds to the embarrassment. Two days later he was gone due to a player revolt led by Lee Cattermole who had been shunned by Di Canio, which says it all. A player who later admitted he was going to join League 2 Hartlepool in the summer ends up getting a Premier League manager sacked. At that time, Lee Cattermole was playing with the Under 21 squad waiting for a move in January. How does it work that he can be the lynchpin in a revolt to get the manager sacked? It defies belief. You will not find a Sunderland fan who does not greatly dislike the current squad after these events.

So Paolo was gone even earlier than most predicted. And I don’t think it was met with any overriding emotion from the Sunderland fans other than contempt for the current playing squad. They have seen out 4 managers now if you include Kevin Ball and they are now the common denominator. This collection of Championship standard players that have lived off the coat-tail of the genuine quality we have managed to muster in each of the last six seasons. An emergent Kenwyne Jones and a genuine togetherness riding the Roy Keane hype in the first season; players like Malbranque and Cisse added in the second, genuine quality. Then Bruce came and bought well initially, Bent with his 25 league goals, Lorik Cana and even Titus Bramble who had turned his career around at Wigan before letting himself go again in his last year at Sunderland. When you look at the squad Bruce had in his second season here it was bloody strong. Bent, Gyan, Welbeck as a selection of strikers. Players like Zenden, Henderson, Malbranque and an in-form Cattermole as a midfield and Craig Gordon with Mignolet on the bench. It was a hell of a squad for a midtable team. Then he let all of those go and now we have the current bunch: Bardsley, O’Shea, Gardner, Larsson and a Cattermole who should have been moved on when it became apparent he is a fuckwit who will never change.

Sunderland are still reeling from Bruce’s last transfer window and that is as much the fault of Ellis Short as it is Bruce himself. It’s been 3 years now and they have not strengthened at all. The quality of the squad has gone backwards 2 years in a row and Mr Short’s brilliant plan to have a net spend of about £500,000 in the most recent window has backfired spectacularly. Take out Giaccherini – who the new manager doesn’t even really fancy – and what was added? Two centre-halfs that can’t even displace Carlos Cuellar and are now even further down the pecking order due to 500 year old Wes Brown re-re-re-reemerging from the Bupa ICU. A central midfielder who looked the dogs bollocks on his debut and has since disappeared. A striker who scored for fun domestically and internationally now has one goal in about 12 Sunderland appearances. And even the one coup, the one who can regularly get a game for the Italian national team but not Sunderland for reasons unknown! An unmitigated disaster of a transfer window.

Let’s ignore Ball’s couple of weeks in the spotlight, he did all he could. Comfortable and professional against Peterborough and gave it a good go against Liverpool and Manchester United, possibly deserving of a point in both but was never going to get the job full time.

So Sunderland are now aboard the ‘Gus Bus’. Sure, he has gotten a derby victory at home but I can’t even remember how long ago Sunderland last lost a Wear-Tyne derby. It’s not the feat it was when Keane did it as sad as it sounds. Poyet will welcome City at home next, a game Sunderland historically do well in. Man City still don’t travel well under Pellegrini but Sunderland don’t do anything well under anybody anymore. 10 games after a ‘revolution’ and they have regressed back to the old guard, the dross of Bardsley, Cuellar, Larsson and Gardner getting in ahead of the freshness and actual ability of Celustka, Diakite, Ki and Cabral. Poyet has decided to ignore the summer and focus on the past; those who came a whisper from being relegated. Di Canio had the current bunch sussed but lacked the subtlety and nouse to bide his time. He tried to change it too quick. Poyet is doing the opposite and so far there have been minimal rewards. He has to be given time, though. If Poyet is sacked during this season then the next head that rolls has to be Ellis Short’s.

Sunderland’s current foray into the Premier League is over after 7 years. Will they learn from their mistakes, the huge overspending and then pulling the funds at the worst time? Or will they return to being a yoyo club? The next 18 months are going to be interesting at Sunderland, the departure of Di Canio may not be the last act at the circus.

TOTTENHAM: A GUIDE TO COPING WITH LOSING YOUR CHIMPANZEE

by ‘Bungie’ – @BungieGB

After only 10 Premier League games it might seem hasty to reach a verdict on Tottenham’s new-look team, but whilst many issues from the previous season have been addressed, a few older, more pressing ones remain. No more was this evident than at Goodison Park on Sunday afternoon. Andre Villas-Boas has worked hard to plug the leaks in a side that had conceded 14 goals at this stage last season – 9 more than at present – yet despite the improved points total it fails to hide a lack of creativity and effective team play in the final third.

Indeed this was an issue masked often by the individual brilliance of Gareth Bale during the 2012-13 campaign. Understandingly fewer questions are asked when a laboured draw is turned on its head by a 30 yard thunder-strike. Villas-Boas is afforded no such luxury this time around and he still appears to be struggling to mould his abundance of attacking talent into a fluent and effective quartet. Crucially, this is exactly what the White Hart Lane faithful demand from their manager.

No one can accuse Villas-Boas of ignoring the need to create more goal-scoring opportunities; he quickly abandoned the shift from 4-5-1 to 4-3-3 and acknowledged the necessity of a number 10 in the form of Lewis Holtby or Christian Eriksen. But despite heavy reinvestment this summer, Tottenham lack the same attacking threat posed by their Champions League rivals and after just 6 goals from open play you’d be forgiven for wondering whether another Christian might have been the answer to their current predicament.

After moving up to 4th place last weekend, it would be fair to say that this articles undercurrent of negativity mirrors that of White Hart Lane over the past few seasons. And certainly Villas-Boas was right to point out that the lack of support his players received as they struggled to break down teams was counter-intuitive. He deserves credit for improving results from the previous campaign against Everton, Norwich and Chelsea. No Spurs fan should question the value of these five points, especially after missing out on Champions League football by just one point back in May.

Interestingly almost to the day a year ago Tottenham lost 1-0 at home to Roberto Martinez’s Wigan in a game where Villas-Boas admitted they had been second best. Performances this season have led many to believe that the Villas-Boas’ side is less than the sum of its parts. Their current position in the Premier League table suggests otherwise. If it is a lack of understanding between Tottenham’s front four that is holding them back, then Spurs fans should surely be excited for what is to come.

MANCHESTER CITY: AN MOT OF THE ENGINEER’S TIME SO FAR

By Dan Crehan – @dancrehan

*note: this article was written before Manchester City’s 5-2 win in the Champions League on Tuesday night, thus ensuring their progress into the second round*

Before I write anything else I want to get one thing straight.  I have supported Manchester City all my life, if indeed you can support a football club from the moment you are born.  If my Dad had his say in it I’d have been took home in a Manchester City baby grow.  My Dad took me along to dozens of games from around the age of 5 or 6 and yes I was there when the Georgian wizard Kinkladze scored the greatest goal ever witnessed on English soil.

City are the ultimate roller coaster club.  I’ve seen three managers sacked in one season.  I’ve seen relegations, I’ve watched us play third tier football.  I’ve seen subsequent back to back promotions.  I watched Harry Kewell and Co dick us at home 2-5 in the FA Cup and in the same game guy I watched a City fan stand up and yell “MY ARSE IS GOIN’ ON’T TELLY!’ He stood up on the concrete barrier separating the fans and the touchline and he mooned a Leeds player as they came to take a corner.  That game was live on national TV but I can not verify if his arse made an appearance.  12 years later, we won the league.  I’ve seen it all.

Mancini was sacked last season for many reasons, failure to win the FA Cup, to retain the title and for the disharmony that was evident in the dozens of training ground brawls.  Queue the arrival of Manuel Pellegrini, El Ingeniero (thats The Engineer, but it sounds better in another language and we will refer to him as that from now on) to steady the ship.  But this season hasn’t been as smooth as most hoped for.

We got the first bit right, we bought most of our new players early.  Fernandinho, Navas, Jovetic, Negredo and Demichelis all joined the club, strengthening a myriad of positions.  We got rid of the players we should have never signed, Bridge, Santa-Cruz, Maicon and Sinclair.  Too long have we been shackled by their ridiculously high wages, but I guess we only have ourselves to blame for that in the first place.  I didn’t want to lose Tevez, it still upsets me to talk about it.

Looking back at our results so far this season and the best way to describe it would be… erm… roller coaster like which is rather fitting.  The ghost of ‘Typical City’ is still haunting us.  We got off to the best possible start, a 4-0 demolition of Newcastle, a lot of City fans must have been excited after this game because of the way we played.  The team pressed, worked hard and played some lovely football.  Then we went to Cardiff and lost, what a come down. But Newcastle are not the only team we have turned over…

 I’ve never seen a City side play in a Derby with such confidence.  I used to dread the Derby games, but these days I’m quietly confident and that is a strange feeling indeed.  The performance which lead to us beating United 4-1 was one of the most complete City performances I can remember in a very long time, we showed no fear and United looked like 11 rabbits caught in headlights. The rabbit with the afro was no match for Yaya or Fernandinho who are on their way to forging one of the strongest central midfield partnerships in the league.

And it’s pretty much carried on like that, a great performance and a victory followed by a defeat.  Looking back, all the league games we have lost have been down to stupid, individual mistakes.  The less said about Mr Hart at the moment the better, I think he needs a turn on the bench.   Pantilimon deserves his chance, a clean sheet and some crucial saves on Wednesday gone against Newcastle in the Capital One Cup gave the gaffer no choice but to stick with him.  He has been patient and he now has his reward.

If Hart is stinking out the dressing room with his constant shitting the bed Silva, Nasri, Negredo & Aguero have masked the smell with some sickly sweet air freshener.  Silva looks like he is back to his best, his movement and vision unparalleled.  Monsieur Nasri is playing football with a smile on his face and it’s translating to brilliant performances on the pitch, he is no longer burdened by Mancini and his public criticisms.  Negredo looks like a striker who has played in the Premier League for the last three years never mind three months, his strength, power and ability to bully the steeliest defenders is something we have lacked, Dzeko just can’t do it at the level we require.  And Aguero.  Kun Aguero.  The cheeky little minx.  He is undoubtedly in the form of his career with 11 goals in 10 games this season.  After a breathtaking debut season he was hampered by constant niggles and injuries last season.  I knew it was a bad omen with him being stretchered off on the opening day of our title defence.  But that is behind us now and arguably we have one of the most inform strikers in Europe acting as the spearhead of our strike force.

One objective we simply have to achieve is qualifying for the knock-out stage of the Champions League and we look on course to do just that.  Our two away performances in the competition have been solid, not the hardest of games given the opposition but that’s the difference about this season and ones gone by.  There was no shame in losing 1-3 to Bayern Munich, they will do much worse to some teams this season. A win on Tuesday will see us all but meet our objective.  Bonfire night, Manchester City, Champions League.  You know there will be fireworks and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE PREVIEW: WEDNESDAY MATCHDAY FOUR

Basel v Steaua Bucharest

Not even going to pretend I know enough about either team to give an in depth analysis; aren’t you surprised and impressed by our absolute professionalism?

Having watched Basel last year a few times however and in their victory over Chelsea on Matchday One, I’d feel relatively secure in going for the Swiss to win. Egyptian livewire Mohamed Salah has really come to prominence following their Europa League run last season and their strong performances so far this time round, and Steaua will do well to contain him as well as Valentin Stocker. Unlikely to happen.

Chelsea v FC Schalke 04

Schalke are an odd team. Always on the brink of looking like a side capable of upsetting the hierarchy in Germany to the point of challenging for the title, and then spectacularly imploding in a few key fixtures, they’re already in trouble following their defeat at home to Mou’s men.

They don’t have a lack of talent – Kevin Prince-Boateng was a good buy and Julien Draxler is a mouthwatering prospect – , but it’s a tough ask for them to a Chelsea side that will no doubt be smarting from their bumming against Newcastle and win.

Mourinho is likely to reintroduce Andre Schurrle for this game (and giving Kevin De Bruyne a go is in the offing) and play Samuel Eto’o in Torres’ absence. Where Schalke need to get a foothold is in midfield; Chelsea’s is uncharacteristically weak, Frank Lampard avoiding flak by having one nice thirty five yard shot every game and making people forget that he’s playing like a coked up plasterer in a park. If Schalke can get muscle in the middle and negate Chelsea’s counters with their own, they could spring a surprise.

Borussia Dortmund v Arsenal

You do not know the desire that resides deep inside my loins, the desire to see Arsenal knocked out of the Champions League and forced to play Thursday nights; Arsene Wenger’s face while perusing a Thursday away trip to a Balkan state surely can only be replicated in his expression after walking into a room Nicklas Bendtner has just finished masturbating in, and the scent just… lingers.

Not that I think they will; Arsenal are more than capable of travelling to the Westfalenstadion and getting a point if they’re up to it, especially away from home where the onus is on quick counters. Wenger has some thinking to do though; do they conserve some energy for Old Trafford on Sunday and risk being outran, outfought and outfucked by Jurgen Klopp’s ridiculously endearing side, or put it all on the line? You have to imagine they will go for the latter.

Mathieu Flamini will be a big miss. Not because he’s better than Mikel Arteta, but because the latter is a far more reactive player that won’t impose himself on Dortmund’s likely pairing of Sven Bender and Nuri Sahin. Hugely impressive against Liverpool’s midfield – with the caveat that they were as flaccid as Giovanni Trappatoni’s penis has permanently become – , Arteta will need all the help he can get from the massively (read: suspiciously) improved Aaron Ramsey. Laurent Koscielny stepping out of defence to close down Henrik Mhikartaryan, and he needs to be careful Mertesacker isn’t isolated against Lewandowski and wingers that are more than quick enough and more than good enough to embarrass Arsenal’s full back; Marco Reus will be particularly troubling to Wenger.

Oh, and Özil will be invisible.

Napoli v Marseille

Rafael Benitez has impressed so far during his time in Naples; changing their 3-4-1-2 system (invented, patented and placed under copyright by their twat of an ex manager, Walter Mazzarri), bringing in a keeper whose best form was well behind him and a striker who, for the price being paid, needed to prove himself more clinical.

As it stands, they’re second in Serie A and have beaten Borussia Dortmund on their way to a relative sense of security in this group. A far stronger side than their French opponents, they’ll be hoping that Dortmund beat Arsenal tonight so that the last game in Germany doesn’t necessarily become a decider providing they can beat Arsenal at the San Paolo – a tough ask considering they were comprehensively beaten in London.

Tonight though, they just need to turn up; Marseille were always going to be the wooden spoon in this cutlery collection and Napoli should have too much for them, especially if the vastly underrated Marek Hamsik plays and plays well.

Zenit St Petersburg v FC Porto

A Russian I know made two predictions on Monday night; that Manchester City v CSKA Moscow would be a close match, and Zenit would beat Porto. 1-0 to One Sub Left, my friend. Lay off the fucking vodka, eh?

I’m being flippant; Zenit are more than capable of beating a Porto side that aren’t exactly firing on all cylinders yet, and in the cold of St Petersburg in November there’s every chance that the retreating Porto’s players testicles make affect their game even more than us mortals could possibly fathom. However, they’re a strong team nevertheless and they wouldn’t be unhappy with a draw. Roman Shirokov to be the main man here; can score goals and can help control a midfield.

Atlético Madrid v FK Austria Vienna

The wildly impressive Atlético side Diego Simeone has constructed will win with relative ease here and qualify (the real pressure is getting a result at the weekend in the face of a CL match). Diego Costa and David Villa have proved to be a deadly partnership in the last two weeks, and there’s literally no reason for me to believe that Austria Vienna can win in the Calderon.

One reason is that I don’t know anything about them save the flickers I’ve seen up until now. Whoops. Another reason is that all over the pitch, Atlético are capable of matching you man for man and winning through sheer force of will let alone talent. Don’t be surprised it this is a three or four goal deficit.

Ajax v Celtic

Realistically, Celtic need a win here to stand any chance of qualifying for the next round. But they won’t, will they? Playing at European giants who invented total football (and in effect, tiki-taka; thanks you clog wearing bastards) with bright young coach Frank De Boer at the helm, all
Neil Lennon’s men can do is sit back, soak it up and hope for a lucky break, right?

Except Ajax have been poor this year relatively speaking. In the unbelievably packed Eredivisie top table, they lie sixth and haven’t won for three games. They’re missing Toby Alderweireld’s assurance at the back and Christian Eriksen’s inventiveness up top, and if Celtic can frustrate them then there’s every chance a Tony Watt-esque counter attack could pay dividends.

Barcelona v Milan

Lionel Messi, fast on the decline against Milan, on the decline for what’s felt like a few years now; this match – one that seems to happen every fucking week in Europe – is nevertheless an intriguing one. Much will be told in Allegri’s set up, and you’d imagine Nigel De Jong has to be at his very best to withstand an attack that, on top form, could make a nun repent God and flagellate her fanny just by knobbing around the box.

The key battles will be the aforementioned De Jong’s ability to press and harry the Barca midfield – and of course if he’s helped by his partners; every time I imagine Sulley Muntari taking on Sergio Busquets it makes me laugh – and of course whether Mario Balotelli has made the right choice between playing football and acting like Gerard Piqué rubbed shit on the rim of his headphones. Both defences are shaky so the impetus is on Balotelli and Messi to make an impact. You’d venture on their support – Sanchez and Neymar against Kaka and Birsa – to support the main man, and in this regard I can’t see anything other than a home win.